Simplicity

I feel so uneasy when I learnt that he was going to meet Kenneth alone. Someone from Apex-Pal. Why dont he meet Ken instead ? They are bound to hit on issues about the company and he will start to think and be depress again. I become very very worried now again. I can never understand why my marriage ended up being in a cage that is filled with worriness, uneasiness and unhappiness every single moment. I have to keep tab on his behaviour, movements, his emotions and his health every single moment just to ensure he is ok. I can never understand the kind of life that I am leading now in my marriage that leads me to such unhappiness. I can never understand why my such simple expectations of marriage has to be filled with such trauma that makes me suffer in constant fear and worriness. Does anybody know that ? I suppose God knows that. when will he ever put an end to all these in my life ?

I grew to be so paranoid that I think I am going crazy sometimes. Is this a normal marriage life, I keep asking myself ? When will I ever get out of this ? one month, one year or never ? Is there a time frame to all these ? If there is, what is the time frame I should set for myself ?  

I am just a ordinary gal by nature. I am not outstanding nor pretty. I just desire a simple, peaceful life whereby I can lead an ordinary couple life with my loved one in a comfy house that we have built up. I never intended for trauma, I dont want heartaches, and I certainly do not want to be hurt once and again. I never intended for a flashy lifestyle, an outstanding and rich boyfriend, an intelligent husband or high flying man. I just need a down-to-earth man who will run the race at the same pace as me so that he can pick me up when I fell down or drag my arms as we run the race together. I just need a stronger man who can protect me, take good care of me and hurdle me like a small kid. On the other hand, I will be a wife to support my husband in his needs and take care of him as my beloved.

But god put me and my patience to trials many many times. In my weakest time, I realised what I need. A stronger man who can lead me to peace. Sometimes I really anger at the fact on why my ex-bf managed to achieve what he wanted despite having treated me that way. He has all he desired now, a wife, a family, a child. Hes having a complete happy family now which is what I wanted also. But for me, it has become a picture that is real hard to paint now. I can feel the unseen forces of worriness, fear, weariness, emotional stress of baggage that is getting on my shoulder everyday. Everyday, as the 2 or 3 weeks critical period for Thomas gets closer, the baggage just added on its weight. Will all these ever end ?

I just feel like running away from everything. From this world, from this place, from his home to a place of peace and happiness where everyone are on the clouds everyday. I just dont feel like doing anything anymore, let go of everything and seek a place where people/someone can pamper me like a child.  

Today is the verdict. Verdict of the police case Thomas is involved in. The church, pastor Lip, pastor Daphne and me have been praying hard for today. I really hope everything will end soon smoothly and peacefully. Most importantly, Thomas can understand his need to be vulnerable to me, to be submissive to authority and be honest to his heart. Really hope that no evils can enter his heart and let the both of us grow in strength.

Both of us were down with a bad case of food poisoning over the weekend, thats why havent been able to update prayers and thoughts here. I tried my best to be a good wife, even in taking care of my husband in my weakest times, when I am struggling with poor health. I hope he can be appreciative to treasure himself and do not let the addiction harm him further.

Tired and weak as both of us maybe, I tried my best not to reveal it also. Even towards the consumption of medication, I would hope that he will take medicine only when he is really uncomfy or in much pain, and not to substitute for the sleeping pills which he much wanted to take but not able to do so.  

Small little things started to reveal when we discover lost things found when he forgot where and when he had placed them whilst he was in a blurred state under the effects of the medication. Sometimes I wish I was like him, taking the pills and forgetting everything the moment you awake. People who remembers suffers. People who forgets forgets.

I need alot of strength to carry on my life. But my body is getting weaker and the pain is getting stronger.

dear father,

I give thanks to you that both Thomas and me managed to recover so fast after our tough day on struggling with food poisoning. we were glad that you manage to see us through this time of sickness and we could come back to our positions very fast. father, today is the final verdict of thomas' police case. father, after praying so hard and so long that this day will come soon, father, i pray that you can let all these end with peace within our hearts. father, let the police case be closed with a verbal warning and let everything turn fine in your hands. father, Thomas and me have been through trials after trials and to withstand all these really takes alot of strength and courage. father, if u have seen what we have went through, we understand that there must be some reasons on why you want us to go through all these and you can see the pain and suffering and hurt that we have undergone. father, please let us free from all these trials and bless our marriage. father, we have done wrong in the past and we seek your forgiveness. father, please forgive us and continue to see that our marriage can only prosper and grow in your ways and never the evil way. father, please seek into our marriage and let your blessings come upon us and let us break free from all the evils, hurts, pain and suffering.

in jesus name i pray, Amen.

A tiring morning. Heaved a sign of relief because it's finally Friday and how I wish it's already end of the day now. It has been a long draggy week, a week of emotional trauma makes one tired.

There are certain things I am really grateful to Thomas about for understanding my love and body language. Without his addiction problem, I believe that we can be a great couple. However, things just dont work the way we want it. I try not to think so much to make myself feel better but somewhere out there, in that bit of corner in the heart, it's just something twingling there that cannot be out down. Just like Thomas, how people has treated him in the past is something that he cannot put down either. On the surface, it might have seen that he has but deep down in his heart, somewhere out there, it just havent. It's probably hidden in some corner in his heart, just waiting to pounce on him again when evil strikes. And I guess he knows about it and refuses to acknowledge it or he tried to avoid it.

I wanted to help, but if he refuses to acknowledge it to seek help, I guess it's quite tough. I understand the dilemma he is going through when he looks up sales from his previous contacts. But then again, is there a need for people's concerns to really bothered him so much ? Maybe I am those kind that really take things bochap and I simply do not bothered about other's opinions. Just briefly take the issue across, whatever others want to be curious about, let them find out on their own. Well, others' concerns and gossip about me do not bothered me. Let them be judgemental for all I care. As long as I lead my life righteously, there is nothing I feel that should be worrying.

But that's me. Not Thomas. So many times, he told me he has let go of the past hurt, but he hasn't. Never has he let go. That's the part where pastor said, in his heart, somewhere even in that corner that he doesn't even know of, it still existed. He has to seek that corner out, really give grace, asked for deliverance and let it go.

dear father,

i give thanks for the lunch time that i have spent with thomas. father, i give thanks that he seems fine so far. father, i pray that the police can come back soon on the case so as to give thomas the peace at mind. father, i pray that the police can just close his case soonest so that this issue does not bother him anymore and he can concentrate on what his work. father, i pray that you can help him go through this difficult time now. father, i pray that you can strengthen his faith and do not let the addiction bites into him anymore. father, the church and pastor are all helping out on his issue right now and i really give thanks for that. but father, i pray that you can just release the wall of defense that surrounds thomas so that he learns to look up to you in trials. father, please strengthen his mind and straighten the path he takes. help him let go of all the hurts and really give grace to those who has hurt him. most importantly, do not let the evils come into his heart and take away this painful addiction he has. father, please help him.

in jesus name i pray, amen.

Pastor Daphne spoke about 3 things that are going to be done to help Thomas and me. First, he will have to be honest with himself and when the thought of addiction comes, even if it's from afar, he will have to let someone know. Be it me of Pastor Lip. Second, the church will mobilised a team of people to pray for him constantly. Third, they will arrange for a sister to support me along the way. Pastor Daphne prayed for a breakthrough in him and she is not expecting that this change will take a few years to come. She and everyone will try and make it happen as soon as possible.

She spoke about the scrutiny of marriage. She spoke about the wrongdoings and to confess and ask for forgiveness from God. She spoke about the need for him to be vulnerable to me.

This morning, he is worried that the whole church will know about it and be judgemental about it. That makes me ponder, have I done the right thing in getting pastoral help for him ? But that's my last resort already. Because getting his family members, his good friend involved all doesnt seem to be able to help. 

For the first time, we read a chapter of the bible together and I pray for him aloud last night, after some struggles. Honesty is important now. I hope that he can be honest with himself and I really hope he can overcome this.

dear father,

please let me grow in faith towards you. father, i believe that you are the god of all gods and you are the creator of miracles. father, please create that miracle in thomas. father, please help him. father, i believe that you are the only one i can turn to now for thomas' deliverance. father, please do not let the evil touch his heart ever again. please create that miracle once more and show me that everything will change for the better. father, please touch his heart with your words and create the change in him. father, i pray that no matter what happen, please continue to give us strength, please continue to give us empowerment to rule over the evils, please continue to bless our marriage. father, i guess all the while, i have missed out the key word, to pray for your blessings over our marriage. father, if ever i failed in anyway as a wife, please forgive me. father, if thomas ever failed in anyway as a husband, please forgive him as well. father, i just like to pray for a peace of mind over his police case now. father, let the police come back and confirm that this case will be closed with a verbal warning. father, please help thomas and me to get ourselves out of our struggles right now. father, please show me that miracle in this world that thomas can be cured of totally. whatever we are going through now is another purpose from you to mould us, strengthen us and to bring us to another level in our relationship. father, if this is true, please bless us, bless us and touch him with your words and show him the straight path that you have intended for him. father, please let the both of us be committed into your hands and grow in the desire to seek you and your words. father, whenever the addiction kicks in, father, please be there for thomas to tell him in his ears that whatever he is going to do is an act of the evil. father, let him not fall into sins again. father, please help to create that change and miracle in both of our lives.

in jesus most precious name, i pray, Amen.

The pastor wants to meet me again today. In addition, there will be Pastor Yang's wife as well. And Apex-Pal frustrating accounts to deal with. Sick and tired. I just need peace and simplicity in my life.

Basically, I hate what I am going through now. I hate my life now. I hate myself now. I hate tears now. I just want and need to be alone at peace.

Dear Father,

I pray for strength and courage now. I pray that you can make me stronger. Father, I pray that you can take away the tears from me. I pray that you can help me. I pray that you can give me trust again for me to trust others again. I pray that you can give me your blessings. I pray that you can guide me through this difficult time that I am going through. I pray that you can be an angel over me. I pray that you can show me what I am supposed to do. I pray that all these miseries can end soon. I pray that all these problems will go away. I pray that you can give me wisdom. I pray that all bad things shall come to an end soon. Father, I am really weary and tired. Please take away all my weariness. Take away all the evils. Please, Father, right now.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

I started to think about Thomas' life. I realized something. All that he has been through since his career downfall is all he brought it upon himself. There is no one to blame except himself.

His sister and brother-in-law have seen giving him a comfortable salary, enabling him to lead a high standard of living yet he doesn't know how to discipline himself and treasure his life.

I see the full picture from an external point of view since I realized all the truths.

He got involved in a relationship with his lady superior which is detrimental to all men's career. Should the relationship works out, fine and good. But he should know that if it doesn't, the lady will go all way to "banish" this person. That's why I was very surprised when I learnt the ways that the lady used to back-stabbed him. Why would a woman hate you so much since you have worked with her for so many years ? And if she really wanted so much to oust him out, she should have done so long ago, it will not be after 7 seven years of working relationship. Much to his denial, he still insisted there was nothing between them even though I asked the question many times.

I also get to see another picture, as in probably everyone knows or doesn't know about the relationship and the eventual break-up, his brother-in-law pulls him out of "her clutches" by assigning him a post at a different department in a different office location. Too bad he went to bring up the issue of salary adjustment which led him to his preference of being a sales person and to go back under the lady superior.

"That's the chance to get back." - if I am the lady superior, I will think this way.

Too bad again he still never realized it until things start happening. Well, who to blame? No one but himself. But he still never realized anything amiss.

The war continued. She's the superior and having had an intimate relationship and dumping her thereafter, which woman will be so kind to let things off so easily ? He still never realized what the problem is and continued to get more people involved in finding her weakness and even attempt bringing up her dark secrets. How did he get to know about all these dark secrets ? -  It's only when he was being real close with her, that's why she had shared all this with him. By bringing all these up, it will just aggravate her anger and hatred towards him.

I never realized and understand why he is so desperate that he will just grab anyone along the way to satisfy his sexual desires even to the extent of dumping another gal, be it whether this person is suitable for them or not, it's not important. Probably not only him, most men are like that. So why do such men need to complicate their lives with such things ?  Is there no more simpler men in this world who will just lead a simple life with their loved one ?

It's ourselves that we need to control and manage.

Dear Thomas,

If you happen to read this blog again, this letter is meant for you. And it will be the only one you can see. I guess the past one year has been very dramatic for the both of us. I never expect our coming together has brought so much trauma to my life. And I can never imagine in my entire life, that I will meet someone with drugs addiction. I guess both of us live in two extremes of lives whereby my aims completely differs from yours.

Because of your addiction, I realised how strong and how weak I can be in facing up to you. Everytime I learnt that you have taken the medication again, I become so terrified that my whole body will tremble non-stop. You have never seen it before because you were never sober enough to realise that.

Times were good when you are perfectly fine but all these short sweet moments are not what I am looking for. Everytime you were perfectly sweet, I knew the next moment something bad will happen. And indeed each and everytime, it happened. I prayed for you but I guess maybe my Christianity faith is just not strong enough to change you. I was very worried for you when the police got you away that I shivered non-stop for almost half an hour that time. I really thought that this is the ultimate draw where you know where you should stand but seems like, it's not.

It's good enough that our lives ever crossed, at least I experience the real pain in loving someone. I hope that I can continue to pull myself through this difficult time. I hope that you can learn to help yourself. I am not sure the kind of life that your mum used to go through but I can share at least half of her feelings now. The only difference is that we have no kids, making things easier to manage. It's just our feelings that need to be sorted out.

I wanted to put the topic as "Thomas addiction kills me" but realising what I am going to ask for is never to come true, I decided to change.

With Thomas this whole year, I guess there are many many ups and downs, both in his life and in my life. I started to think that God has planted me into his life to make me go through all these sufferings, is it because I should go through all this or I simply deserve it ? Before I was a Christian, I experienced alot of trauma in relationships. Even after I become a Christian, I realised I experienced even more trauma. Is the Christianity faith I have not strong enough or I simply do not received God's blessings ?

I decided that I should stop writing prayer requests here because it has never touched anybody's heart, not even God has answered my prayers because Thomas is back at his addiction again. I wanted a simple life with a simple man to spend the rest of my life with together but sad to say, all these will never ever materialize anymore. 

It's my last request to God -  bring Thomas back to straight path and give me blessings.

I do not believe in true love anymore. Spritually yes, there is love. But between humans beings, earthly love, there is no such thing as true love existence. Even if there is, it is something that happens between sparks of moments, it will never be everlasting. Conclusion stems from the fact that true love hurts, it hurts so much that people are better off without it. Love in this case refers to the kind of feelings between a man and a woman. We still have parental love, siblings love, friendship love, spritually love, etc.

If I could be given another choice or I could ever turn back time, I will choose not to fall in love. I think it works better for me. After all, the happiest and most fulfilling times I ever had in my life were the days when I am in the company of a group of good friends. Life is indeed so carefree, relaxed and enjoying at that time. Those were the good old days. And there was plenty of space and time for myself to do what I enjoy, even doing it alone, going shopping, gym, tours, etc. Most importantly, I have nothing behind my back that I need to constantly worry about and in so doing, it actually kept me there on the same step and pace and not being able to move forward.

Last time whenever someone you love send you a lovey dovey message, I suppose everyone will feel thrilled and excited for the whole day. Same for me. But now, this kind of feelings do not exist anymore. Instead I feel fear. Fear of uncertainty on what crazy things that is going to happen next. Fear of unknown abnormal behaviour re-appearing. Fear of handling someone with abnormal addiction behavior. Fear of hurt. Fear of worriness. Fear of handling an immature adult with incapability to take care of himself. Fear of the unclear state of mind when a person is on addiction. Fear of when the person will hurt me with his weaknesses and abnormal behavior.

And to make things worse, I should not and I couldn't speak to anyone or share with anyone on such feelings and on occurances when I feel fear. No one to share with, not even my parents, siblings, friends. I can only pray to God to help me. I can only read the bible to seek for peace and consolation. But deep down in my heart, I knew something - One day, one fine day, all these will be over. There will come to a point in time either God has answered my prayers or I will follow the way where my mind leads me and no longer my heart.

I am looking forward to that day where I will be completely released from fear. Please let it come soon.     

I guess marriage life is not as great as what I imagine it to be after all. It's only now I can fully comprehend why I used to hear married couples giving the opinion that if given another choice, they will choose to remain single. It is not easy for 2 persons from completely different backgrounds to come and lead a life together jointly. For the first time in marriage, I experience a very strong sense of loneliness and weakness. Because of this experience, I suddenly realised also what friends have gone through in their marriage before they made the final decision to split. Familiarity breeds contentment - something which was learnt in the Marriage Preparatory Course. I think it's very true. People tends to take things for granted when you become very familiar and close with the other party. But it also goes on to teach me something else, because I am too reliant and dependent on the other party's presence all the time, I grew to become weak and upset whenever I am alone. This is not me. From my previous relationship, I thought that I will die when we broke up because i was so used to a life having him around. But I grew out of it and remain strong. I learnt to do things alone, by myself. Eat alone, shop alone, exercise alone. And when another relationship like this time round comes again, I fall for the same mistake again. That's why I get all the upsetness when things do not go the way it should be. And to make things worse, I did try so hard to prepare and make everything in tact and waiting for someone to come back and enjoy a meal with you after a hard day's work all gone down the drain. That's life, I guess. I come to understand that I have to learn to be independent. Continue with my work and my life. If I were to put all my focus on one person, like putting all eggs in one basket, if ever one day the basket spilled, then all eggs will crack. I become so uptight, become overly concerned until to the extent of paranoid, I think I am hurting myself more and this is not healthy at all. Even as Christian, I believe God doesn't want to see me get hurt. God wants me to know that even my life is in a total mess, as long as I look up to him, he will give me the direction I need to go. I had a dream last night. I can't remember clearly what the dream was about but the message brought across when I wake up was that I think I have to learn to be independent. Even at times when I am alone, I am scared, I have to brace myself up and continue the walk in strength. 

Dear Father,

Father, I give thanks to you for another day that has passed by. Sad as it is, Father, I look upon you as my strength and source of energy to carry on with my life. Father, I pray to you that you can always be my source of strength which I desperately need now to move on with each passing day. Father, I pray that no matter how alone I may be, please help me to know that you will always be around. Father, I lay my trust on you and I hope that even in times when I am upset, when I am down, I can look upon you and my life will be brightened up. Father, I pray that you can help me let go of all the unhappy times and look forward to a refreshing day everyday. Father, let me see you in your words and let me prosper in your teachings. Father, please grant me wisdom to handle all the obstacles in my life. Father, I pray for my parents that even though I might not be living with them now, they can continue to lead a fulfilling life. Father, I pray for the healths of my parents and I pray that they will remain happy and not to worry about me. Father, I pray for my parents that they can lead healthy and happy life always and ever. Father, I pray for Thomas, I pray that you can bless him with your words and that he will have the open mind and heart for you. I pray that you can also give him strength and right amount of confidence to overcome his pride and let no harm and evil come to him. Father, please take him into your hands and make him good. Father, give him willpower to overcome his weaknesses and give him the heart and determination to change over them in the correct way you want him to be.

In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Maybe I am over-sensitive. Maybe I am not. But the moment I hear from his voice that he is not the usual way of talking, I become very very scared. Scared that he will become blur again. Scared that he is not alert again. Scared that he will forget everything that is happening now. Scared that he turned back to his old ways. I have to call him every now and then because I am really worried he can't handle himself now. I am very worried that something will happen to him. When these times come, I am really tired. I always wonder why is it that he can't stay normal forever. Is it that the power of evil is really so strong that he can't forsake everything. Or he is simply in a situation when he choose to be wrong?

I messaged him and there was no reply. I called him again just now but he turned it off. Makes me even wonder and worried more. What exactly is he doing? I am really tired when it comes to such times again. Because I have to handle him alone by myself when he simply doesnt know what he is doing or talking. I pray to God for him everyday. But I am really very worried and scared of him. When will all these ever end ? If I will to face with this kind of situation every week, what am I going to do ?

I feel that he is not his usual self again. I am tired, Father. Please help me. Please tell me what I should do. Is there no such trust between us anymore or is it that I am just being paranoid ? Father, I need the strength to carry on with his abnormal behavior. Father, if ever one day I should give up, please forgive me.

Dear Father,

I wanted so much to pray for my husband, that's why I am here again and again. Father, I believe that you are a God that can create miracles in peoples' lives and you are a great God of all. Father, I pray so much that you can really pull Thomas out of the pain that he is in right now. Father, give him a healthy body so that he can serve you more. Father, let him lay his trust on you for everything he does so that he does not fall into sins again. Father, please stop all the demons and evils from entering his heart and waver his willpower. Father, please do not let him remain alone by himself when he is suffering. Father, be by his side all the time and assurred him with peace. Father, please remove all the headaches and whatever pain he is suffering from on his body right now, right now, Father. Grant him a healthy and strong body so that he can reach out to you further. Father, please let him be strong, please let him be wise, please let him be clear minded. Father, please help him lead a normal life without addictions, without pain and suffering and without self pitiness. Father, please create this miracle in his life right now, Father. I wanted so much to pray for him because he needs your blessings and only you can help him. Father, please help. Please show him that he can count on you for assurance, for peace and for happiness. Father, please help him. Please bless him. Please see that he will look up to you and pray for your assurance, even in the small little bits of thing in his life. Father. please bless him more and more because he needs your blessings to grow strong. Father, he needs your strength, please help him help him help him...

In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Dear Father,

I pray that you can bring Thomas out of whatever misery or stress he is in right now. Father, I pray that you can give him as much blessings as you can over him. Father, please take away his headache right now, recharge him with vitality and energy. Father, grant him power, power over evils and sins and let him grow towards you. Father, please show him that he should only look up to you when evils come approaching him. Father, please help him as much as you can. Father, please see that he does not turn to his addiction again, Father, please help him to a straight path. Father, please be his guiding angel in whatever he does and see that no harm and demons shall touch him. Father, he needs your blessings to work his way through, Father he needs your guidance in putting his life straight, please help him, Father. Father, I pray to you deeply everyday, in the hope that you can help Thomas because I truly believe that you are the only God who can help him now. Father, please help to open up his heart to you so that he can follow your ways and be good. Father, please show to him that no matter what happens, he will be able to look up to you. Father, please take away whatever pain and sufferings he has now. Give him strength to overcome obstacles in life and in his job. Father, let him be a glory for you in the marketplace. Father, please dont give up on him, continue to help him see you in your words for life and ever. Father, please....

In Jesus most precious name, I truly deepy pray, Amen.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I pray for my husband, Thomas, who is undergoing a tough time in his life right now. Father, I pray that you can help him overcome his weariness, tiredness and any self esteem problems that he may face in undergoing a more lower position than what he used to enjoy. Father, I pray that you can give him strength, empowered him with your wisdom and help him overcome the stress he is facing now. Father, please help him to look up to you no matter what happened and speak your words into him. Father, let him hear of you and your intention and purpose for him in life. Father, please help him, Father, I beg you to please help him, do not let him fall into sins again. Father, please take away his headache from him right now, Father, please remove this terrible headache away from him right at this moment so that he doesn't get blurred again. Father, please help him in all ways you can to get rid of all the aches and pains he is going through now. Father, please help him, please do not let him suffer in pain again. Father, please give him a healthy body without any headaches, addictions and pain. Father, please help him in all ways you can. Father, please...

In Jesus most precious name I pray very very deeply, Amen.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Father, we give thanks for the delicious meals that you have granted us and the quality time we are able to spend together whilst enjoying in each other's company. Father, we give thanks to you for another great day that has just passed and we thank you that you are constantly seeing us through in this time. Father, we give thanks to you for all the changes that you have brought upon us and I believed that they are meant to make us stronger in our faith and drawing us closer towards you. Father, please continue to bless Thomas everyday and ensure that he passed each day with your wisdom and your words to a greater height. Father, please see that Thomas does not fall into sins anymore and please touch his heart with your teachings whenever he encounters problems. Father, please see that he does not escape from reality anymore and instead, Father, please guide him through when he met with obstacles. Father, please forgive him for the wrongdoings he has done and help him to repent. Father, please bless that he will be let go with a warning from the police and be make known to him this news for a peace of mind. Father, please grant him peace, happiness, wisdom and contentment and no matter what obstacles he met with in life, he can go through it with the strength and purpose you have in store for him and never to give up on himself or his life. Father, please help him, please help him dearly, be his guilding angel, be his light, be his teacher, all that you can to ensure he does not let evil touch his heart ever again. Father, please help him, help him, help him more and more.

In Jesus most precious name I pray, Amen.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Father, I give thanks to you for having being such a great God by creating miracles in so many people lives as what my mum told me about the old woman in the wheelchair at her work place and the Pastor today who were sharing with us on the daughter's accident case and how Father you have gone into each and everyone lives. Father, I pray that at the same time, you can touch Thomas' heart as well, help him feel your presence and help him make a difference in his and others lives with your purpose for him. Father, I pray that as the sermons today mentioned, Father, you can help Thomas look ahead to the future with your teachings. Father, I pray that you can help him grow in your words strongly and I dearly pray that you can remove the evil who tried to go into his heart completely totally. Father, I pray that you can always let him be clear-headed and clear-minded and despite the tasks he needs to go through in his company, being a photographer or even going for the company dinner and dance on non-working day, Father, I pray that you can help him go through all these without unhappiness or feeling of low esteem. Father, I pray that you can help him go through this difficult phrase in life now as he embarks on some totally new work and environment. Father, I pray that he can look up to you spiritually and with that in mind, he can overcome his weaknesses and let himself stay fresh and clear at all times. Father, I pray that even as we go along this marriage path in life together, you can always be there for you, giving us the strength and commitment to support each other, no matter all the good and bad times we have to go through. Father, as today sermons mentioned, I believed that whatever that has happened between us from the day we met till now are works from you and trials that you want us to go through. Father, in so doing, I pray that no matter what happened, please pull us through, strengthen us in your words and motivate us with your confidence. Father, we look forward to a closer spiritual life in our walk with you. Father, please continue to bless Thomas and ensure that no harm shall come to him, his brush with the law, his encounter with the evils, let all these die away immediately and nothing but your blessings and wisdom can enter his heart only. Father, we thanked you, we give thanks to you.

In Jesus most precious name I pray, Amen.

Dear Heavenly Father,

 We give thanks to you for another grateful day that Thomas and me had spent happily together. Father, I pray that no matter what happened in our lives, you can bless Thomas, this child of yours, to stay as happy as today and everyday. Father, I would like to for Thomas' mum who has injured her leg today. Father, please take the pain away from her injury and bless her a speedy recovery. Father, please help to grow healthy again and will be able to walk smoothly without any pain. Father I would like you to bless our marriage as well. Father, I would like to pray for my parents as well, I pray that they can stay as healthy and happy and they will be able to continue leading good lives as they are now, in good health and happiness, especially now that I am not around at home. Father, I would like to pray that eventually my parents can understand my concerns about not having a customary wedding and they will be around to support and bless our marriage, even without a customary procedure. Father, I would like to pray for Thomas, please bless him well and ensure he comes to no harm with the law. Father, I pray that he can be committed into your hands and you could speak to him of your intentions for him and that no matter what he does, he can look forward with optimisim. Even at times when he is hurt, Father, please help him to stand up and give him the determination and preserverance to move on. Father, please give him wisdom and motivation and continue to help him to grow. Father, please do not forsake him and neither will be forsake you. Father, please continue to bless him in your words, help him understand your words more and constantly be reminded of them as well. Father, please bless this child of yours and let no harm come to him and into his life. Thank you, Father, Thank you so much, Father.

 In Jesus most precious name I pray, Amen.

Thomas brought up the issue about his brother-in-law last night with his parents and it becomes quite apparent that he has not let go of the past. I reminded him about giving grace to whoever that has hurt him and that if he has really succeeded in doing that, he should not be so defensive towards his opinions of his brother-in-law.

It's true that we do not deserve to be treated the way we have been treated about the vegetable business, however, I feel that what has past has past and that I think we are happier without this burden. Without the worry of finding money everyday to supply goods to our client but having no idea when they will make the next payment and how much we will be getting. The kind of worriness and anxiety in doing this business had greatly affected our relationship, his relationships with his sister and brother-in-law, and most importantly resulted in him having depression and turning to sleeping pills and medication as a result of escaping from the harsh reality. No matter how  much money that can be earned from this business, but having such consequences is definitely not worth in continuing with it. Even if now, I would advise him not to seek back to them to do his cards and forms business. It is not a pride issue, but more business-related issue. The client is a hard nut to crack and having no proper channel we can turn to voice our grievances will only make this business a very difficult deal to serve. Rather than having to spend so much time on one client, rather spend the time forcusing on other more worthy deals that are easier to manage.  

But I hope that he can really bear no grudges against his-brother-law because I feel that it is very tiring to bear such unhappiness in the heart. Rather than hating him or not recognising him as a family member, take this as a lesson learnt and that who knows, this might just be a blessing in disguise and we will just be grateful to him in the future. Let the memories of the PP days be seen as an experience. After all, we do learn something from this business. And whatever business venture we will continue to purse to achieve self-sufficiency, I hope that God will bless us and give us the wisdom and show us clear direction on how to continue. Seldom or never people succeed at the first attempt but that does not mean that we stop there. The race will continue, we will run and even slow as we might, we will eventually still reach the finishing point. Just a matter of time and stamina, isnt it?

Even from doing this vegetable business, I get to realise that even though I have never really thought of being a businesswoman because I just aspires to have a stable job and past my time away, God make me realise certain characteristics I have in doing business, which I certainly hope to put into good use if there ever is this opportunity. I recognise this as strengths that God has granted me for me to leverage on. Likewise for Thomas, in doing business, it reveals his certain weaknesses when handling with problems and crisis and unabling to solve it, he kept himself drowning in self escapeness from reality. His business sense is a strength which God has given him and instead of putting it to good use, he has come out with all sorts of ideas to cheat, bluff and deceive to get out of harsh reality and crisis. I hope that he can really overcome his weaknesses, having him entrusted in God's hands for help now, only then he will be able to use his strength to make a name for himself, as a reflection of God and example of his teachings in the marketplace.

Dear Father,

Father, I thanked you for giving us the time to spend together with each other with another passing day. Father, we thank you for all that you have brought to our lives at this moment and that we will grow to treasure alongside with you in the many more days to come. Father, we give thanks to you on gearing us with inter-dependency so that we are able to support each other at all times and yet remain firm and clear on what we have to do for ourselves. Father, I pray to you dearly that you can inject grace into Thomas' heart to forgive all those who has ever hurt him. Father, I pray that you can help him let go of the uneasiness, unforgiveness that he has suffered whilst working on the vegetable business. Father, I pray that you can pull him out of whatever hatred and grudges he has borne towards his brother-in-law and help him grow to your words in being forgiving and letting go of the past hurt and pain to start life afresh. I pray that in time to come, Father, you can help Thomas in clear steering towards the direction he needs to take. Even in times of embarking on another new venture, Father, please equip him with the proper wisdom, strength, focus and characteristics he needs to undertake to ensure he becomes your successful role model in the marketplace. Father, please bless him in all ways you can, take him into your good hands and mould him into someone that symbolizes a child of the God. Father, help him to grow and mature in your doctrine and give grace to him as well for the wrongdoings that he has committed. In the police case he is involved in, please help him get out of it as soon as possible with a verbal warning and let this be a lesson learnt to him, Father. Help him in his repentence and see that the evils do not enter his heart again. Instead, his heart shall only be filled with peace and love from you, Father. Father, I seek your words for him and for me in the deepest manner.

In Jesus most precious name, I pray deeply, Amen.

It was the first and last time I will be watching such a sleazy show with my husband in Chinatown last night, for the sake of experience. Maybe I was too conscious, I realised that eyes from the public were looking at us, wondering why would such a young couple doing here watching this kind of show when it is generally meant for uncles. Well, for the sake of experience like what I said, and we both agreed that it was plain boring show and with that price, we would rather watch a Hollywood movie.

Thomas was well and cheerful yesterday. Thanks to our Holy Father, I hope that Father can continue to bless him and keep him well in this light now and forever. Thomas admitted that his addiction with pills is a work of the evil and demon which I think is quite true. Like what he said, some things just cannot be explained and that works of the evil has come to him at that point in time where he met with several accidents, got into a brush with the law, even till now is an unclear status yet, his mum fainted, his marriage almost on the verge of breaking up, his career ruined. It all comes together as a package by the works of the evil. He believed that spritually there is an angel and devil speaking to him at the same time and his will power is swayed towards the devil at that point in time. This is something which human beings really cannot explain and it is beyond the control of us, alone. We really need the God's help to help Thomas overcome the devil in his heart and banished this evil far far away from him from now on. 

As a friend for my husband on a very objective view, I do think that he has a head for business and he has the intelligence to make things work if he feel strongly that is right. A needed factor for entreprenurship. But another down side of him is that he can be real hesitant at times which I do not blame him either. This is because everyone is in a comfort zone now and why should you take on a risks, both mentally and financially on something which you are unsure of. However, no pain, no gain. As much as possible, I still feel that he has the desire to be self-sufficient and he should not let this affect his talent and ambition.

But at this moment, he should overcome his own weaknesses first before he can really start to venture. That's why I have been praying everyday for him, as my husband, that he can make his mind and path straight and look towards God's words in motivation and peacefulness, no matter what happens in life.

Pastor Lim wanted to talk to me regarding Thomas state few days back when I updated Mickey on his abnormal behavior again. However, I did not call Pastor Lim back because Thomas insisted that he did not take the pills and he is back to normal the next day. Can't really blame me for not 100% trusting my husband now which I am still trying to have the complete trust in him. Maybe that is the result of too much hurt, distrust and disappointments that lead me to behave this way. I will still continue to try nevertheless and I certainly pray hard that I do not have to go through those trauma again.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you for the wonderful day that has passed that enable me to spend quality time with Thomas and strengthen our relationship from there. I give thanks to you, Father, that you have given us a good night rest and we thank you that you can continue to be our guilding angel and strength in our relationship. Father, I pray that you can continue to strength Thomas in his willpower and let no fear and evil enter his heart. Father, I pray that you can oversee this child of yours with him commited into your hands and bless that no harm and sins shall enter his mind. Father, please speak to Thomas in clear words of your intention for him and that no matter what happen, he shall be good and be empowered with your words and strength. Father, show to him that you are the one and only example he should follow and let him not be swindleded away by evil of the heart. Father, bring the light upon his life and show him the confidence, wisdom and encouragement that he need to move on to greater heights in your words. Father, I just pray that you can help him let go of all the untangled knots in his heart right now, fill his heart with peace and joy and he may look forward to listening and serving you. Father, I just pray that you can pull him out of his addiction right at this moment and he shall and never will touch these sinful things again. Father, please put his path straight and bless him in whatever he has to do, in his career, in his life and even in future if he needs to embark on a new business. Father, I pray that he will not come to any harm with regards to the police case he is involved in. Father, please give him the chance to repent and ensure that he will be safe and good in your hands.

In Jesus most precious name I pray, Amen.

It's amazingly to listen to how other couples get to know each other and the process and time taken during the courtship. And I guess what touched me most is the couple whom the guy said he took 2 yrs to convince the gal that "he's good" before they come together. Time is an important factor. You might take a couple of months like Boaz, from encounter to marriage in the hottest fire sparks of love, but what comes after that really takes alot of patience, understanding, comprises and sacrifices. For me, I guess Thomas and me started off pretty fast and in the process of being together, we have been through the most difficult times in his life and which impacted me greatly as well. Sometimes, I used to think that among his ex-gfs who get to see all the best of him throughout the relationship, why is it that when it comes to me, it's so totally different. Well, another thing for consolation is probably his love for me, which I hope like what he always said, is the most and greatest.

All I ever want in my life is a very simple life. So simple that I think many people cannot take it because it's too bored. Working in the day, after getting back home, have a comfy little dinner, watching TV, doing abit of household chores and time for bed. Well, that's a typical Singaporean lifestyle, isnt it? But definitely, it is not a Christianity lifestyle. Because in addition to what we are doing everyday, we ought to serve when it comes.

 Back to Thomas. He was perfectly okay from last evening till this morning when he cooked breakfast for me. I always hope that he can forever in this clear headed and right frame of mind manner everyday. He told me about the golf tournament where he need to go and serve during month end. Immediately I could sense that something bad might just happen then thought I pray that it would not. I know such tasks is definitely not for him to do because of the high prestigious status that he has used to enjoy for the last couple of years. Though I assure him to take such jobs with a pinch of salt and experience, but I do know that in his heart with his pride, he deserves more than what he is getting now. For this, it is really very difficult for me to help. It all boils down to one's pride. Suddenly this thought came to mind. It's something Boaz said about authority. We have to be submitted under authority before we can be empower with the authority to authorize. I think it's pretty true. Thomas has to be submitted under the church's authority, Jesus' authority before he can grow in the company and be empower with the authority to command others. I hope that he can take these words into his pride and see that whatever he needs to do now is a process for him to grow under authority and at the end of it, he will become a man with God's authority and people in the marketplace can see him with a totally different view and light because he is the God's servant.

I missed his good night and goodbye kisses and hugs. I messaged him today about all these. Sometimes I think I am a very contradictory person. I dislike him whenever he behaves abnormally but I love him to the core when he's sweet and normal. I know I should not behave this way because that is selective love. I hate it when he behaved abnormally because I feel that he has betrayed everyone's help, trust and hopes in him. I hope that he can forget whatever happened in the past, let God's grace flow in him to forgive all those who has hurt him, embark on a new chapter in life afresh, no matter how tough it is. I guess that's the presence of me beside him, to pull him along this time. But one thing for sure, he must have the heart and mind to look towards the righteous path in whatever he does. That is, he must help himself.

I am not a good prayer aloud because I can't easily put my thoughts in speaking them out clearly. That is why I have written down all my thoughts and prayers for my husband here. I hope even through this avenue, God can understand my heart, hear my prayers and give answers to them.

I will try and love my husband whole-heartedly and I hope he can reciprocate by giving himself the chance to change his life completely afresh, for the better, for the straighter path. And no matter what obstacles he might encounter along the way, he can be strong and never to fall into depression pills and medication again.

Dear Heavenly Father,

Father, I would like to give thanks to you for the wonderful morning breakfast time that you have given to me and Thomas. Father, I would like to thank you so much for the little appreciation that my husband has given to me in the things that he does as an evidence of love. Father, I knew that you have heard my prayers and has clearly shown in to me in Thomas's ways of actions. Father, I would like to thank you for giving us the time and opportunity to go through the MPC course together with Thomas and in the process, we learn that we need you to be our centre of focus in order to grow in our marriage and in your words. Father, I would like to pray that in so doing, you will also be able to grant me and Thomas to be able to go to the MPC retreat without any hurdles and inconvenience that may caused to our superiors and companies respectively and we will all be granted leave for that. Father, I would like to pray that for Thomas that you can equip him with the necessary capabilities in building up a strong Christianity foundation for our newly set up home. Father, I would like to pray that you can help this child of yours to go through whatever obstacles he need to go through in life with much courage and blessings from you. Father, I would like to pray that no matter what happen in Thomas life, he will be able to look to you for clear definite answers and from there gain his momentum and learn to lead a spritual life where he can count on to you as the one and only holy Lord. Father, I pray that no matter what Thomas has to go through from now, he will be able to see you as the perfect example and the model role, even in life crisis. Father, I would like to pray that you can help Thomas gain that peace of mind by allowing the police to close his case with a verbal warning and no more than that. Father, I knew that you can help Thomas go through all these and please help him look up to you in whatever he does. In that way, he will not sinned again or do things that are not righteous or against your will. Father, help him make his paths straight once more. Father, please also remove that aching headaches which has been bothering him for a few weeks already. Take away that headache and pain from his body and give him a healthy mind and frame of body that can serve you more and in greater heights. Father, please help this child of yours who dearly need your help. Father, please help him, please do everything you can for him to grow to be rightous and honorable.

In Jesus most precious name I pray dearly for my husband, Amen.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I give thanks for all that you have brought to my life, Father. I understand that whatever I am encountering right now are trials that you want me to go through and I recognise that you will equip me with the necessary wisdom and strength to overcome all the physically and emotional baggage that I am going through. Father, I pray that you can give me grace to forgive my husband, for all the disappointments and hurt that he has brought upon my life, Father, I pray that you can continue to show me that he can still be trusted, no matter what happened. Father, I pray that you can shower your blessings upon this child of yours Thomas, who has been through so much in his life. Father, I pray that you can be his guilding angel all the time, never letting him go, give him strength and courage to move on with all the stress and obstacles that he has to encountered. Father, I pray that you can give him grace as well to forgive all those people who has hurt him in the past. Father, please help him, please let the Holy Spirit enter into his heart right now at this moment so that he will grow in your words and follow your ways, Father. Father, please take away this addiction of sleeping pills away from Thomas right now, Father. Help him in all ways so that he doesnt fall back to sins again, Father. He needs your words and wisdom to make his paths straight again. So Father, please show it to him, tell him, speak to him, in all ways and make him understand that the path you have created for him is the one and only path he should take and that he must never take those drugs again, Father. You are our one and only God and I believe that no matter what happened, you will keep us in your blessings. Thank you, father. Thank you, my Lord. Thank you for everything, Father.

In Jesus most precious name, I pray. Amen.

My first blog post.

I used to think that marriage is a very blissful thing, getting to live with your loved one, starting a new chapter in life together with another person is wonderful. I can't conclude now whether I will be blissful in future, but at the moment, I think I am not. I married a person who has a sleeping pills drugs addiction. As much as I wanted to help him in all ways, even to the extent of getting married to this person because of love and faithfulness, I have gotten myself both physically and emotionally tired of taking care of this person. Despite of all the many many setbacks that we have been through together and I dearly pray that God can create miracle in this man, I think I have inevitably hurt myself in the process. Everytime I see him being not his usual self, the basic instinct in me tells me that he is under the medication again. I know I keep telling myself that he will change for the better, by sending him to see doctors, pastoral counselling, getting his family help, but whenever something like that happen again, it just goes to tell me he has done it again. I am weary and emotionally drained but I can't bear to give up because I still have feelings for this person. Will he ever changed ?