Simplicity

I have a very bad feeling that something bad will happen again. I really fear that he will give in to the addiction again. I really pray hard that it wont and I am just being over-sensitive. I had a dream last night and I dreamt that he took the medication again. Yesterday he did told me that there's a internal fight in him because the addiction is coming to him now already. I am so scared that he will fall into the hands of evils and temptations again. If he ever does that now again, I should think it will be very very difficult, to almost impossible to help him anymore. Because even in the midst of worries for the court case, he still go and made the same mistake again, there will only goes to show he doesnt want to help himself at all.

father, i want to have faith that you can create that miracle in him. i have faith in you and i want to leave him into your hands. father, please help him...

lord, i give thanks to you for your glory and goodness. lord, i pray that you can bless thomas in his work right now that even as he delivered goods to his customer place now, the customer will not complain or scold him. lord, i pray that issues in his work can be resolved as soon as possible and he will be able to get some big clients for the company. lord, i pray that as he tries his best to work a normal life, lord, give him strength and faith that he can overcome his addiction problem. lord, i am sure you can understand the struggles and internal fight that thomas is undergoing now to face the addiction problem. lord, please help him in this struggle and let him be pulled away from the evils. father, take the root of his addiction problem out completely and let him lead a normal life. lord, i pray that even as he had to go through alot of uncertainty and stress from the court case now, he can be strong and continue to have faith in you. lord, please let him meet a compassionate ddp and judge in court and his case can be closed with a verbal warning. lord, give him grace and repentence and i pray that he will always be blessed in your light.

in the lord's glory and name, i pray, Amen.

father, i give thanks that you have given me the strength and courage in my life to face with all that i need to face now. father, even though things are not as good now because of the court case thomas is involved in, but i pray that you can help both of us through this very tough period in our life right now. father, even though we do not understand now why we have to go through all these, we understand that it is a message from you that eventually when we come out of this whole situation, both of us will be better and stronger persons. father, i pray that even as thomas is facing with the stress and uncertainties of the court case outcome, father you can give him strength and speak to him clearly of your intentions for him. father, i pray that thomas can look up to you as a leading role in life and that no matter what he does, he will seek your intentions for him and never give up on himself. father, i pray that you can bless him even as he is facing a job that he is not happy with now. i pray for thomas that he will be able to get new clients in the job he is in now. father, i pray that even as he decides to embark on a new business, he can be motivated by your words, he can seek you and look up to him in whatever he does. father, i just want to pray for thomas, let him meet with a compassionate ddp and judge and let the court case be closed with him getting a warning only. father, i just want to pray for thomas as much as possible that you can really bless this child of yours.

in jesus name i pray, amen.

I realised that I can no longer convey my thoughts and feelings to anyone. Many a times, I feel like getting it off my chest by pouring it out, but i realised i can no longer do that. My only mean of venting everything out is by crying when I feel really physically and mentally tired, drained. Then I realised ever since the court case Thomas went through that day and all the bad cry since that day, I can no longer shed a tear as well since then. It's been so heated up within myself that I feel veyr bottled up. I just hope to release everything to God, and leave everything in his hands. And as for me, I really dont want to think so much anymore.

Yesterday we went to visit a newly set up restaurant by Apexpal where he met his ex-colleague and mentioned his ex-boss cum ex-gf again. From the conversation, anyone could tell that he clearly has not let go of whatever she has done to him and it really make me sad to think of that. Maybe he is just using me as a substitute or a companion for companionship as what he needs. I try as much as possible to keep myself understanding of him but sometimes I really am very tired keeping up with him and his pace of life. He needs people around him, needs group activities to keep him occupied..are we on the going on with the same speed and pace in life or am I just holding him back or tagging onto his back ? Sometimes the line is just so blurred.

But maybe what he said is right also. I shouldn't be constantly felt with negative thoughts. But seeing the way he behaves, I really can't help worrying for him time and again. Especially when I know he is not happy with his current job again, I am very scared that he will take things in his stride again and do something silly as to take the pills again as what always used to happen and its only barely into 2 weeks since his last dosage. I just need God to help him and me to overcome all these negative thoughts and worries in our lives now and constantly remind ourselves never to take things for granted. Learn to run the race at the same pace and really pray hard to let go of all past attachments.

I hope one day he will take the time to read whatever I have written in the blog.

father, i give thanks to you even though thomas and me are going through a tough time now as we understand that this is your intention for us to learn something out of all these. father, we draw strength from you and i pray that you even as we step into our life trial now, you will be there to guide us along and showing your words to us on the righteous path we should take. father, i pray that you can give me grace to forgive and really let go of whatever happen in thomas' past relationships and people involved. i pray that you can give me peace at heart and really let go of all the past issues, lies and hurts that was caused as a result of his past affairs. i pray that i will not longer be bothered by his past and i will not feel even a twinge when talking about it. father, i pray that you can really help me let go of all this and give me grace to forgive and forget the hidden facts, the lies that he has brought to me. father, bury all these away and let me never be bothered by such issues anymore. father, help me grow in faith and in your words to be a better person.

father, i pray for thomas as my husband who might be undergoing an even tougher time than me now through the court case that he is in. father, i pray that you can speak to him and help me grow in your words. i pray that even after this event, he is able to learn what you have intended for him. i pray that father you can take away the fear and worry from his heart and that he can learn to let go and look up to you in whatever he does. father, i pray that you can help him in his court case by granting him a compassionate ddp and judge and that all charges can be dropped against him. father, show him that he must really learn to let go of all his worries and fears to you and to see you as the guidance for him to carry on his life. father, let him not be discouraged and continue to give him confidence and strength to move on in life.

in jesus name i pray, amen.

Boaz's words kept repeating in my mind since last night. About letting go, committing to God, getting strength, praying, etc. Maybe I should do what he used to do, as in really list down all I feel I have done wrong and from each one, pray for forgiveness and deliverance.

1) Unable to let go of Thomas' past.

2) Unable to give grace to those who has hurt me before.

3) Not totally letting go of the current situation to God's hands.

4) Staying together with Thomas before marriage.

5) Failure to understand Thomas' situation about his addiction problem.

6) Letting my parents know about Thomas' addiction which resulted in an unpleasant relationship between them at one point in time.

7) Letting his parents know about his addiction problem which resulted in his parents' heartache and weak health.

8) Thoughts of giving up when Thomas continued with his addiction.

9) Bringing up his past and unabling to forgive him for his hidden past and lies.

dear father,

we give thanks for letting Thomas and me understand the true meaning of love and having each other to depend and support on in times of our trials. father, we thank you for giving us the chance to be together, to love each other and to grow together. father, despite of all the trials that we are going through now, father, we pray that you can continue to be our source of strength. even though we know chances of thomas getting out of this court case is very slim, i would still like to pray for a miracle for him. i know that he has truly regret what he has done and he deserved this chance for repentence. father, please bless him all you can and give him deliverance. father, help him this time. show him the way. only with your powers will everything be put right. let the court case be closed with a warning, or even a fine but not a jail sentence. father, please bless him.

in jesus name we pray, amen.

My world came crashing down since Monday evening. The verdict is Thomas will be charged in courts with 4 charges but formally charged with 2 if he pleaded guilty. I broke down. All the things that I hope will not come true came true within that few minutes. I love Thomas alot, to the extent of fearing losing him. I fear that he will give up on himself. I fear that he will not be able to face up to the consequences and give up on himself. Both of us broke down. We realised how deep our love is for each other. We realised how much we cannot do without the other party. We realised we will never leave each other no matter what happened.

My worries and fears became stronger when I was in court yesterday. I was totally shattered when I learnt from the lawyer that his case has actually been transferred to the district court for more serious cases which also meant that the sentence will be higher. I was very scared that should he really be jailed, would he be so dismay that he will give up on himself. I was so scared that he could not pick himself up after this bad setback and that he will give up on himself. I was so scared that he will not have the courage to face the punishment and choose to leave this world by himself.

I thanked my hubby for coming into my life and making me understand the meaning of true deep love. Despite the many many many trials that we have been through since we are together, Brighton's church objection, his work depression, his addiction with the pills, the vegetable business, the closure of the business, our new jobs, the court case now, all these just seems like a long way that we have been through. The emotional and physical stress, burden, all these added onto the relationship like it's never going to end. Problems just escalate.

All I need now is my husband by my side always. Never leaving me. I really want to pray so hard that he will be fine, nothing bad will happen again.