Simplicity

Boaz's words kept repeating in my mind since last night. About letting go, committing to God, getting strength, praying, etc. Maybe I should do what he used to do, as in really list down all I feel I have done wrong and from each one, pray for forgiveness and deliverance.

1) Unable to let go of Thomas' past.

2) Unable to give grace to those who has hurt me before.

3) Not totally letting go of the current situation to God's hands.

4) Staying together with Thomas before marriage.

5) Failure to understand Thomas' situation about his addiction problem.

6) Letting my parents know about Thomas' addiction which resulted in an unpleasant relationship between them at one point in time.

7) Letting his parents know about his addiction problem which resulted in his parents' heartache and weak health.

8) Thoughts of giving up when Thomas continued with his addiction.

9) Bringing up his past and unabling to forgive him for his hidden past and lies.

dear father,

we give thanks for letting Thomas and me understand the true meaning of love and having each other to depend and support on in times of our trials. father, we thank you for giving us the chance to be together, to love each other and to grow together. father, despite of all the trials that we are going through now, father, we pray that you can continue to be our source of strength. even though we know chances of thomas getting out of this court case is very slim, i would still like to pray for a miracle for him. i know that he has truly regret what he has done and he deserved this chance for repentence. father, please bless him all you can and give him deliverance. father, help him this time. show him the way. only with your powers will everything be put right. let the court case be closed with a warning, or even a fine but not a jail sentence. father, please bless him.

in jesus name we pray, amen.

My world came crashing down since Monday evening. The verdict is Thomas will be charged in courts with 4 charges but formally charged with 2 if he pleaded guilty. I broke down. All the things that I hope will not come true came true within that few minutes. I love Thomas alot, to the extent of fearing losing him. I fear that he will give up on himself. I fear that he will not be able to face up to the consequences and give up on himself. Both of us broke down. We realised how deep our love is for each other. We realised how much we cannot do without the other party. We realised we will never leave each other no matter what happened.

My worries and fears became stronger when I was in court yesterday. I was totally shattered when I learnt from the lawyer that his case has actually been transferred to the district court for more serious cases which also meant that the sentence will be higher. I was very scared that should he really be jailed, would he be so dismay that he will give up on himself. I was so scared that he could not pick himself up after this bad setback and that he will give up on himself. I was so scared that he will not have the courage to face the punishment and choose to leave this world by himself.

I thanked my hubby for coming into my life and making me understand the meaning of true deep love. Despite the many many many trials that we have been through since we are together, Brighton's church objection, his work depression, his addiction with the pills, the vegetable business, the closure of the business, our new jobs, the court case now, all these just seems like a long way that we have been through. The emotional and physical stress, burden, all these added onto the relationship like it's never going to end. Problems just escalate.

All I need now is my husband by my side always. Never leaving me. I really want to pray so hard that he will be fine, nothing bad will happen again.

I feel so uneasy when I learnt that he was going to meet Kenneth alone. Someone from Apex-Pal. Why dont he meet Ken instead ? They are bound to hit on issues about the company and he will start to think and be depress again. I become very very worried now again. I can never understand why my marriage ended up being in a cage that is filled with worriness, uneasiness and unhappiness every single moment. I have to keep tab on his behaviour, movements, his emotions and his health every single moment just to ensure he is ok. I can never understand the kind of life that I am leading now in my marriage that leads me to such unhappiness. I can never understand why my such simple expectations of marriage has to be filled with such trauma that makes me suffer in constant fear and worriness. Does anybody know that ? I suppose God knows that. when will he ever put an end to all these in my life ?

I grew to be so paranoid that I think I am going crazy sometimes. Is this a normal marriage life, I keep asking myself ? When will I ever get out of this ? one month, one year or never ? Is there a time frame to all these ? If there is, what is the time frame I should set for myself ?  

I am just a ordinary gal by nature. I am not outstanding nor pretty. I just desire a simple, peaceful life whereby I can lead an ordinary couple life with my loved one in a comfy house that we have built up. I never intended for trauma, I dont want heartaches, and I certainly do not want to be hurt once and again. I never intended for a flashy lifestyle, an outstanding and rich boyfriend, an intelligent husband or high flying man. I just need a down-to-earth man who will run the race at the same pace as me so that he can pick me up when I fell down or drag my arms as we run the race together. I just need a stronger man who can protect me, take good care of me and hurdle me like a small kid. On the other hand, I will be a wife to support my husband in his needs and take care of him as my beloved.

But god put me and my patience to trials many many times. In my weakest time, I realised what I need. A stronger man who can lead me to peace. Sometimes I really anger at the fact on why my ex-bf managed to achieve what he wanted despite having treated me that way. He has all he desired now, a wife, a family, a child. Hes having a complete happy family now which is what I wanted also. But for me, it has become a picture that is real hard to paint now. I can feel the unseen forces of worriness, fear, weariness, emotional stress of baggage that is getting on my shoulder everyday. Everyday, as the 2 or 3 weeks critical period for Thomas gets closer, the baggage just added on its weight. Will all these ever end ?

I just feel like running away from everything. From this world, from this place, from his home to a place of peace and happiness where everyone are on the clouds everyday. I just dont feel like doing anything anymore, let go of everything and seek a place where people/someone can pamper me like a child.